Lack of Substacking and Writing Kinda Slow
...I'm mentally exhausted and pretty unmotivated, lately
I apologize in advance for the rambling (and possible venting), as my brain is poop and the time change made it even worse.
I’ve already talked about my work schedule as of late. I’ve also talked about how the next book isn’t moving as quickly as I’d like, even though I think I’m past the midway point. I’ve just had a lot of personal shit going on that I’m processing and my usual tactic of using my creativity to help process and distract from things isn’t working as effectively as it normally does. It is what it is, I guess.
Also, I’ll keep the personal stuff private because I value my privacy unlike most people online these days.
Moving on, I spent some time alone this weekend thinking about my recent bout of feeling unmotivated… or demotivated.
I think it has more to do with a lack of feedback on my most recent book than anything else. And also, the possibility that Amazon is blocking reviews for all of my books. The reason I think this is two-fold.
Firstly, people have said they posted a review and it hasn’t shown up since I was told about them. A few as far back as January. Secondly, I’ve sold a lot of books this year, so far. The frequency of reviews-to-sales between last year and this year is hugely different.
So, either Amazon is doing some fucky shit or people are lying to me. But why lie about leaving a review? And many of these people are real world friends. Realistically, I think it’s Amazon, which is asinine as they make more off of my books than I make off of my books.
Beyond that, how do I know they aren’t bullshitting me on sales numbers? They show me what my sales are but there’s a delay by several days. Plus, how do I know they’re honest about it and their system isn’t glitchy as hell? Things on Amazon have always been glitchy.
The problem, is that they are a necessary evil. Sure, I could publish and sell elsewhere, but that would make it harder to sell, take longer to reach my readers, and would also be more expensive for them. Plus, to keep my books competitive with the market, I’d make a lot less too.
I was initially using Lulu and switched to Amazon, because Lulu were doing fucky shenanigans.
Anyway, this post isn’t really about all that, but the lack of reviews/feedback on the most recent books and potential Amazon bullshittery, has me wondering what the point is of all this hard work.
I write because I need to and because others tell me they really enjoy these stories, but do they? I have no fucking idea other than what I occasionally get in DMs on Twitter and told to me personally. Friends in the real world tend to blow smoke up your dick, though. I’m guilty of that too.
It also doesn’t help that several of my most enthusiastic online supporters basically noped out of the Internet altogether over the last few months. That was certainly a big blow to my overall motivation. When you tell yourself “I can’t let these people down!” but then those people disappear, it sucks.
I also put too much pressure on myself and push myself way too hard. So, it’s not a surprise that I’m feeling like a rabbit’s uterus at the end of mating season.
Another thing is I have grown a lot on Twitter, and all that is just becoming hard to keep up with. I’m not a superstar by any means, but my notifications are numerous and Twitter doesn’t show me half of them. It’s also not a place I like that much because I’m just over all the salt, smarminess, anger, and bullshit surrounding every-f’n-thing.
I work hard. Harder than most. Too hard, in fact. And not just for myself, but to help elevate a fuckload of other creatives. I’m just getting really f’n tired, man.
I don’t believe in writer’s block and that’s not what this is.
I’m simply having a hard time finding the spark I need to give a shit. I also figured that I’d just lay it all out in this post, as I felt that an explanation was necessary for those who may give a shit.
As someone who goes through bouts of demotivation as well as gonzo productivity, I'll say this much: do find some time to do nothing. And I mean truly nothing. Nothing to do with your creative work. No writing, no editing, no socials. After launching 365 #4 on Saturday, I spent yesterday watching three great films and an episode of "Ironside" and it detangled my brain to a T. There is no shame in finding time to just pump those brakes and give yourself the space to breath and rekindle the fire. Return to your inspirations out of your love for them, and remember why you're doing what you're doing.