Those that keep up with me here and on Twitter (dead naming because there are thousands of things called “X”) know that I’ve been going through a rough patch since at least May or so. Everything in my lift that could go sideways, did. However, I have finally gotten fully moved and mostly settled in. I’ve also looked at my change of environment as a new beginning and a place to make other, larger, long overdue changes with myself.
I was mentally in the worst place I’ve been in in well over a decade. Now, I feel like I am pretty relaxed and moving in the right direction. Part of what got me through was trying to recognize the silver linings that appeared throughout these recent challenges and struggles.
Frankly, forced change forced me to step up and fight for things I should have fought for long ago. But I guess desperation and feeling like things are hopeless can push us beyond what we thought was possible. That is, if you don’t give up and succumb to the darkness. In my case, it also helped that I found things to focus some hope into and there were also some people, unbeknownst to them, that helped to lift me up and pull me through.
With some of the updates I have written over the last few months, I felt that it was necessary to address them again and to say that I am doing much better. While there is still a lot of uncertainty coming my way over the next year, I feel like I’ve gotten myself in a much better place to deal with it. Also, I know where I am living now is temporary but I have time to prepare and strategize what the next move will be in 8 to 9 months.
Anyway, being in a better place mentally and having my world disrupted pretty majorly has changed my perspective in writing the next book. In all five of the previous Barbarians of the Storm releases, I always felt rushed and that I had to get things out with a certain frequency. Truthfully, I think that probably had a bit of a negative impact on the final product. Granted, I like all of those books but I put myself under unnecessary pressure, all of my making, because I didn’t want the universe I was building to slip down the memory hole of my readers.
Frankly, I was killing myself. I wanted to have the same output as some of the more prolific pulp writers of the mid-twentieth century. The problem with that, is that I was trying to do this while working a full-time job I spend 50-55 hours at per week. So, the problem with this approach is obvious, unless you are an idiot like me. Of course I was going to crash and burn, and once life threw up some brick walls in my path, I crashed into them… hard.
So, now that I am working on the sixth book again, I’ve learned to take my time. I’m in no rush. I’m enjoying the hell out of writing it, and I like marinating on each chapter a bit more. I don’t think that my rapid storytelling style has changed but being able to work at a less rushed pace has me enjoying the work so much more. It also allows me to massage my ideas into something richer. I really, really like the story I’m working on right now, and I think that has a lot to do with me having less pressure on myself. I know that I am now well behind the schedule I wanted to have, but the end result will be better I feel.
I was also so hyperfocused on establishing myself, my book series, and my place in the indie author sphere that I was missing the point of why I started writing these stories in the first place. I saw a fanbase forming and I didn’t want to let people down or make them wait too long. I saw the examples of guys like George R.R. Martin and his dozen year hiatus between books and I did not want to become that. I pride myself on my work ethic and I wanted to push ahead and never stop. I wanted to have a new book in readers hands quarterly. I thought that four within a calendar year was possible, and I achieved that in my first year. But ultimately, I’ve paid the price for it now.
The thing that is most important is to just write really good stories, striving for them to be great stories. I know I can do better, and that is what I am trying to do with my next book. Yes, I’m still happy with the five previous books but they’re far from perfect and I also don’t think that I’ve done my best work yet.
I have a passion and love for my characters and the larger saga as a whole, as I know where it is going. I think that I’ve also felt rushed because I want to get the whole big ass story out of me. I want to see the reaction to the complete saga from those readers who have stuck with the series from the beginning. But, I need to give those readers my best work, as well. And I certainly need to give myself more room to breathe.
There are things in life I can’t control, as much as I hate that. Curveballs will be thrown my way, but coming out of this recent dark stretch of time, I think I know how to handle it better and how to be easier on myself. Like every big challenge in life, I try to find the lesson. I definitely think I’ve learned a lot over the last few months. While there have been setbacks, I think that the end results of what I create going forward will be much better because of them.
Sometimes life has to kick your ass to remind you that you’re alive. You also need your strength tested from time to time. In my case, I should also be on meds for anxiety and depression, but I hate how the pills make me feel more than I hate the feelings of anxiety and depression.
But anyway, thanks for sticking with me through this. The next book, my second anthology, will be in your hands when it’s ready. But don’t worry, it’ll be much sooner than the next Game of Thrones book.