I posted this on Twitter a few days ago…
The quote by Burgess Meredith’s Ammon from 1981’s Clash of the Titans really hit me in a way that it never has before. For one thing, I hadn’t seen the film in probably a few decades. For another, I’m now over 40 and I’ve been through a lot of shit, especially in the last few years with the loss of both parents, a few friends, and coming to the realization that I have approached the age where I’m going to start losing people at a higher rate than those I most likely gain.
No, I am not trying to depress anyone, but this is just what happens in life when you live long enough. Granted, my level of loss isn’t anything like it probably will be in another decade or two, but losing multiple people you are really close to in a short period of time changes your perspective. As a writer, that changed perspective is going to change your creative output.
It got me thinking about my current work, the Barbarians of the Storm series, and the fact that if I had started writing it just a year earlier, it probably would have been quite different in that it would’ve been darker, probably more violent, and wouldn’t have put too much emphasis on optimism, the future, family (biological or chosen), and hope.
I started writing the earliest version of Dan the Destructor less than a year after losing both my mom and my dad. It was also about a month into COVID coming along, locking everyone down, and creating an extremely elevated level of societal paranoia. With the response to COVID, came the loss of our way of life and frankly for many, a loss of sanity. Still, despite a lifelong battle with depression and regular suicidal thoughts when I’ve been at my worst, I just couldn’t swallow the black pill.
As the world burned and we entered into a presidential race and “summer of love” that showed just how ugly people could get and turn on one another, as well as the long-brewing culture war becoming incredibly apparent to most, and our institutions becoming more and more corrupt with power in an attempt to control us, I still couldn’t swallow the black pill.
In fact, there was this part of me that refused to break and refused to succumb to their control and hate my fellow man, regardless of what their beliefs (or fears) were. I think that this era is where we all saw who people truly were at their core. Many we always thought were good people turned out to be terrible, while others stepped up in ways that they never have, found real courage, and stood for something.
I’m not trying to harp on about 2020 and its bullshit or to say what was “right” and what was “wrong”, I just look back at myself and what I was dealing with, as we entered that time, and how I didn’t let any of it break me. Without realizing it, I had taken the white pill. Also, without realizing it, it began to influence my creative output.
While I’m not a religious person and am, in fact, atheist, I couldn’t give up on hope. I think a lot of that had to do with how I was responding to things without realizing it in the moment, and because I saw good people pushing through, which further inspired me to push through.
Along the way, and at the height of all that, this sentiment made it into my first Barbarians of the Storm story, as a struggle between pessimism and optimism became one of its core themes. Beyond that book, and despite more adversity, the one character that was a beacon of pessimism has evolved into one of the most positive and heroic characters regardless of his fear and his limitations. Eventually, he becomes a natural leader where even those more powerful than him, follow him into the fight.
The reason I’m talking about this is because I don’t want my work to change from these themes. Sure, there are strong positive characters that will be challenged and some might break. I actually have a roadmap for this in my head for one character, but the lesson in that story will be that there is always a way back. There is always hope. Sometimes that hope comes from those we love lifting us up and reminding us of who we are.
Sometimes you need time to marinate on things and to process them. I see the bigger thread now through my most recent stories and how they’ve become a reflection of how I was responding to tragedies in my personal life and the seemingly crumbling world around me. Without it being my intention, the themes in these stories reflected what I was processing and battling through.
While neither Dan or Fenrik are specifically me, their interactions and their conflicting worldviews reflected my own internal struggles at the time.
It’s just crazy to me that that one line of dialogue from a movie I’ve seen a dozen times just hit me like a bolt of lightning and made all of this so apparent. Go figure.
And just like that, this post hit me on a really deep and personal level.
I can't say I am familiar with all of the experiences you've had to go through, but I am familiar with the pain, anxiety, and depression.
In my own writing, I am hoping to portray two heroes who, quite frankly, go through hell... yet still decide to become heroes anyway, when what they love is put on the line.
God bless, my friend. And I wish you the best going forward.
It's fascinating to think what this era has brought out in people.
I've spoken personally about how much of "The Hunt" reflects personal struggles I've had with anger management, depression, and anxiety; the characters in that particular series being refractions of myself, with Val the all-encompassing avatar. I find writing for them to be the most healing in my life as I get to explore them without having to wallow in the self-piteous autobiographical drama that is so easy to misuse. There's fun to be had, but not without sincere drama.
I think at the end of the day, there's no escaping the use of art to express something personal about ourselves, it's all in how you go about it. Glad to hear you have a fulfilling way to express yourself and these themes through your work. Here's to a bright and sparkling future, Friend.