A Weekend of Big Reflection

...and the foreseeable future

My intention isn’t for this to come across as depressing, as I don’t mean it that way.

As some of you know, especially those I am closer to on Twitter and on my small Discord server, I had a bit of a full-time online sabbatical over a four day weekend due to some personal stuff. My dad died four years ago but this past weekend is when family and friends got together to spread his ashes in his favorite fishing spot and to celebrate his life with copious amounts of meat, seafood, bourbon, wine, beer, cigars, and other relaxing vices.

While the reason for being together was sad, the weekend was much more good and jovial than sad. And frankly, I got closure I’ve needed for some pretty big things that have weighed on me for years beyond just my relationship with my father. I left this place feeling a true sense of peace and actual happiness for the first time in a very long time. And obviously, it got me thinking about the missteps and the things I’ve done wrong in life. Furthermore, it got me thinking about how I can move forward into the future to continue to feel the things that I just experienced with people I love, as well as others I just met who had such a strong bond with my dad. These are things that I missed out on because of issues that should have been resolved years before he was gone.

Life is fucking heavy, but it is supposed to be. And while I tend to be very cognizant of my faults and missteps, fixing them and working towards overcoming them is often times a beast that is hard as fuck to slay.

Being hyper-focused on all of this over four days really left me exhausted. In a good way, though. The bourbon, wine and beer helped, as did the joint I smoked on the boat dock with the coffee shop girl at my resort. But I began to think about where I’m at, right now, and how my current daily life needs to be greatly adjusted.

For one, I loved rarely being on Twitter and Discord the last 4-5 days (compared to my usual frequency). I am a much happier person offline. While I already knew this, it is hard to separate from it when it has become so necessary at maintaining the only real social circle I have. Especially over the last year, where I now live far from my real local friends. Also, things like Twitter and Discord have been somewhat necessary in building a following for my book series, Barbarians of the Storm.

Still, I was really happy not even looking at these social media outlets all that much, as I was surrounded by love and new friends in a physical sense. I shared a few things on Twitter as they happened over the weekend, as there are those I genuinely care about in my online sphere. You guys and girls know who you are.

But… I am embracing this need to limit myself from online activity, even if it is my only real social avenue at this point.

If I'm being honest, I'm tired of marketing my books and have sort of accepted the fact that I've probably peaked as far as my current book series is going to, success-wise. When I finish it, I don't think I'll be on the socials at all. At least not in the same way. I may only use these things in the future for new book announcements. I'm also feeling a lot less enthused about Twitter, Discord, and even Substack.

I also don’t want to leave my readers and supporters in the dark as to what’s happening. So, I need to find some sort of balance that I am happy with. Additionally, I will continue to write, as I have a book series to finish and I owe the best work I can possibly do to my readers, myself, and these characters I’ve fallen in love with. But to do that, I need to devote as much time as I can to the actual writing. Fenrik still has a lot of great shit he has to do before it’s over. And truthfully, I am both intimidated and excited to write what I have planned. This is also why the writing needs my full attention and devotion.

Looking past that, though, I also have a lot to figure out with my life. I am not happy where I am and I’ve lived through the worst year of my life that didn’t include the death of a loved one. I do indeed feel better than I have in quite awhile. This has been building since before my weekend dealing with my dad’s stuff. The weekend just sort of became the cherry on top of what I feel like is a big turn towards the light.

The things that have really held me down are my rough living situations and changes over the last year, as well as my job being absolutely terrible for my mental health. I know that the company I have worked for for over two decades now is a sinking ship and I leave work everyday feeling like the urinal cake in the VP’s bathroom.

The problem I face with moving onto something else is that I’m not sure what I want to do. I know that I probably don’t want to be a professional creative anymore, as all of that energy should go into the work I do for myself. I have some ideas of what I would like to do, especially after this past weekend. However, ideas cost money and I’m not in the right financial situation yet.

Also, changes to the world since 2020 have put many of my plans on hold. But, for me, maybe it was for the best, as I didn’t buy a house in my area. Why that may be a blessing is due to the fact that I don’t think that my brightest future is in the place that I currently live. I think that my brightest future is in a place that is much closer to family. Since my mum passed in 2019, my hometown has never really felt like my home. And it has changed so much that I don’t even recognize the neighborhoods I grew up in. And frankly, I’ve felt like a man without a real home for half a decade now.

So, what does the immediate future hold? For me, it is probably a lot less online activity, as I focus on both writing the next book and trying to figure out the bigger picture that is my life. It’s up to me to fix what I don’t like and I can’t drag my feet and become complacent simply because the bullshit I deal with everyday exhausts me.

The greatest success comes from pushing through adversity and overcoming it. For a long time I have felt alone in this battle and had a hard time dealing with it and pushing through. But, I know that thinking I am alone is bullshit. And I don’t want to lose that strong feeling of love and support that I felt from those I love the most this past weekend.

When life feels like the apocalypse, make it suck fucking lead like Dan in the picture at the top of this post. And always be close to those who mean the most. Separate yourself from those things that make you feel like shit. And when navigating the terrible sphere of social media, encourage those working hard and doing good things while spending less time focused on the negative shit.